There are a few things I look for when selecting a new cereal to enjoy. Where the negligent breakfast blogger might pause to consider the bouquet, crunch retention, flavor and appearance of a cereal, I would be remiss if I did not take the time to gingerly sup and fully detail the specifics of that life-giving nectar known as End Milk.

After a hearty bowl of Favorite Cereal, you, the lucky consumer, may often find yourself staring at a rich, nutritious, half-inch deep pool of End Milk. Ever since the first cave-man landed on this crazy blue marble more than 3000 (!) years ago, we have been fascinated with the amazing properties of End Milk.

• Fact! One drop of End Milk under your tongue offers the same amount of UV protection as an entire coat of SPF 30 sunblock applied all over your body.
• Fact! A mandrake root left to soak in a bowl of End Milk can be placed under the bed of an expecting mother in order to guarantee that the child be born with at least 16 Dexterity.
• Fact! Spacekateer Buzz Aldrin once drank 3 Gallons of End Milk on a dare. Years later he may have landed on the moon.

As with all of nature’s miracles, not all End Milks are created equal. End Milks run the gamut from sweet and fruity to less sweet and equally fruity. Utilizing advanced proprietary stochastic heuristics well beyond the scope of this post, I have managed to determine the most likely End Milk to appear at the bottom of your bowl.

Based on what cereal you have chosen to be the Lord’s vessel for channeling His energy into your End Milk, you can expect one of the following to appear. As of now, there are 4 distinct classifications of End Milk:

• Fruity: This End Milk is often referred to as “Pink Drink” or “Princess Blood”. Cereals such as Froot Loops, Fruity Pebbles and Neopets Islandberry Crunch will give you a smooth and sweet Fruity End Milk.
• Choco-y: Some people swear by this End Milk, claiming that it is the only beverage they drink for months on end. Cocoa Krispies, Cocoa Puffs and Cookie Crisp have been known to generate Choco-y End Milk. Depending on the quality of the chocolate used, and the amount of time the cereal is left to steep, you can get expect a fairly rich flavor from this stuff.
• Sugary: With an appearance reminsicent of slightly off-white wood glue, this End Milk can give you a real pick-me-up any time of day. Corn Pops, Honey Nut Cheerios and Frosted Flakes tend to produce a Sugary End Milk. Note that CTC will give you a Sugary End Milk with ribbons of glitter.
• Regular: Hearty and robust, Regular End Milk is the lifeblood of the cereal industry. Vilified as boring and drab, this is the End Milk that you didn’t invite to prom because she had an eyepatch and was kinda thick but as it turns out a few years later she comes back from college a total hottie and also her dad owns the MLS. Cheerios, Corn Flakes and most varieties of Chex will leave behind a Regular End Milk.

Of course, renegade cerealogists have recently been able to create cereals which produce hybrid End Milks. For example, Berry Burst Cheerios will spawn a bastardly amalgamation known as Fruity-Sugary End Milk. I hate this concept but some folks out there seem to appreciate it. Oh bother.

I hope you learned a lot today, I know I did. Take the time to let me know what your favorite End Milk is. Don’t be shy, and as always, please enjoy End Milk responsibly.